Sexual abuse prevention and intervention services.

From Jan's Heart

It hurts so to live, but I don't want to die

These words are from a song a friend of mine wrote about me. And they're a very good description of where I was.  As a child I was molested by my step-grandfather and an old man who lived across the street from me.  As an adult I was raped at knifepoint by a drug addict who broke into my home to steal money and things to sell to get money for drugs.

Maybe some of you have had similar experiences, or maybe your experience is a little or a lot different. Whatever your experiences, the words to my friend's song  may very well be a good description of how you feel.  If they are, or even if you're feeling a whole different set of emotions, I want you to know I understand.

I understand the shame you feel and the need to have control in your life. I understand not being able to let anyone know who you really are because you feel like who you really are is dirty and not at all lovable.
I know what it's like to feel so shameful that you can't talk to anyone about what happened to you. I've lived in that shame.

I understand the anger that wells up inside you, anger at those who haven't been abused because they can't understand your pain, anger at yourself because you feel as if you caused your abuse, anger at God because He didn't protect you. I've lived in the anger.

I understand what it's like to have so much pain that it's all you feel...to believe there's no way out of it because it's what you deserve...to hurt yourself just so you can see a reason for the pain. I've lived in the pain.

I know what it's like to manipulate the people and situations around you until you think you have them exactly where you want them and then have everything fall apart or, worse yet, blow up in your face. I've felt the self-hatred that comes from looking at the latest mess you've gotten yourself into and know you won't be able to stop yourself from doing it all over again. I've lived in the hopelessness.

I know how hard it is to believe that not only is there real healing, but that God loves you and wants to help you find that healing and walk in it. I've lived in the unbelief.

I know what it's like to want to have friends to share your life, but be afraid they will turn against you or hurt you if they know who you really are. I've lived in the fear.

But I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE and YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THERE EITHER!!  Because God has made provision for your healing.

That's why this Website is here.  That's why Tree of Rest, Inc. exists.  So you can learn the truth about who you really are.  So you can come to know that you really can move to a safe place filled with rest, peace, trust, love and joy...a place of victory over the bondages the sexual abuse has left in your life...a place of spiritual, emotional and even sexual health. 

Understand that getting there is not usually a happening. It's more like a trip...a journey to freedom and healing.

Now, it probably won't always be an easy journey. I know mine wasn't.

There were times when I felt I would never make it...I was too tired and weary to go on...I seemed to be falling back as much as I was moving forward; and my goal often seemed to be so far away that I couldn't really imagine reaching it.  But then I'd stop and look inside myself; and I'd have to admit that though I might not have come far, I had moved forward and that it hadn't taken any more energy and effort to move than I had used just to survive before I began my journey.

As I saw God working in answer to my halfhearted, feeble, "If You're really there and You really care" prayers, I began to feel hope...hope that I could trust God and all the provisions He had made for my healing. Then hope turned to faith, and I began to feel safe enough to stand up to the lies and begin to throw out the garbage I had believed I must carry with me all my life.

And do you know what I found underneath the garbage of lies and pain, anger, and acting out?  I found "me" . . . the "real" me. 

You see, I had believed the lie that my abuse made me who I was. I reasoned that, if my abuse made me who I was, then if I let go of "being a victim" maybe there won't be any "me" left. But you know what? I found out that God made me who I am, and that the lies don't have the power to destroy who I really am. 
Oh, circumstances can wound the "real" me, and if I believe lies, they can lead me to bury the "real" me under a pile of garbage. 

BUT LIES CAN'T DESTROY WHO I REALLY AM.  Because who I really am was determined by God while I was still in my mother's womb. 

What I had to do to release the "real" me was to use the truth of God's word to dig through the pain and lies and let the light of God's love for me heal and restore who He created me to be.

• Suggested Reading and read reviews of books pertaining to struggles those of us who have been abused often face
• Look What's Inside Me and view the art and read the writings of people like you who have found the "real" person they were created to be
• God's Words and read what your creator and sustainer wants you to know about who He is and who you are to Him
• The Double Bind and find a practical tool to use when you are tormented with fear and doubt or when you're having trouble getting free of a particular harmful or sinful thought, action, or feeling

But most importantly, ask God to open the eyes of your understanding and help you accept the truth of who you are to Him so he teach you to know the "powerfully and wonderfully" made person He created you to be.

Then ask someone you trust to walk beside you with prayer and encouragement and truth as you make your journey.  
 

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